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Well, if my Facebook account is suddenly terminated, we’ll know why. Here’s what I sent to FB HQ when asked how interested I was in downloading the new Messenger App, which contains some insanely shifty app permissions:

Dear Facebook,

The Terms of Service on the Messenger app are cause for major concern. My feelings on the matter? To put it mildly, the Dude does not abide.

My issues:
1) The app can record audio with my phone’s microphone “at any time without [my] confirmation.” That’s intrusive and, well, creepy. No thanks.

2) Ability to access my camera at any point, again without my confirmation? Hashtag nope hashtag once again creepy hashtag do you see where I’m going with this hashtag hashtag.

3) Saved call logs. No.

4) Read data about my contacts and my interactions with said contacts. In the words of every girl I tried to sleep with in high school: “No. Also, how many times do I have to tell you you’re creepy?”

5) Ability to monitor my sleep cycle.

6) Telling everybody I farted, when it was clearly you.

7) Selecting Valencia as my go-to Instagram filter even if I’m in a Lo-Fi kind of mood.

8) Access to and direct control over my firstborn child, with guaranteed naming rights to the second one.

9) Zombies. Everywhere.

10) Automatically “liking” anything my ex posts, then forcing me to drive to her house, park in front, and drink out of a stolen bottle of whiskey until I’m convinced I’ve cried all the tears that have ever existed in this godforsaken world… or until the Coldplay album ends, whichever comes first.

(I’m just spitballin’ on the last couple of points, but feel free to apply any of them if they seem useful.)

I’ve been a Facebook user since 2004 and have enjoyed all the features and functionalities of both the desktop and mobile versions over the years. Hell, I even embraced Timeline - even if it felt like I was watching my mom’s new boyfriend move in and put his “spin” on the place. Don’t touch my room, Ted.

Despite the good ol’ times we’ve had, Facebook, this forcible transition to the Messenger app - an app containing blatant, seemingly unavoidable breaches of privacy - leaves a bitter, Big Brother-esque taste in my mouth. And I hate the taste of reality shows.

In short, no thanks. Did I mention it’s creepy?

Love,
Jake
(Friend me on Facebook!)

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